Freshly woven web of footsteps

I sort of had a wonderful day today. It was nice, being in a good mood for no direct reason. Sure there were triggers, such as coincidentally seeing a friend at work, feeling more settled in the restaurant, NOT being on the "who's most likely to be fired when the new manager comes," list, being complimented by fellow servers on my attitude, and making good tips.

But really, I noticed I was happy when I had a song stuck in my head with no idea how it had gotten there. I hadn't heard it or thought about the lyrics in years, yet there it was, humming its way through my vocal chords beneath the white noise of the restaurant. It's a funny situation being a server. You are completely and irrefutably surrounded by people at all times. Loud, demanding, hungry, thirsty, very specific people. Yet and still, you can be completely alone in your thoughts. Despite the prevailing "teamwork policy," YOU are really the only person that knows everything that goes on with your tables. If you don't get the lemon slices, they (most likely) will not get gotten. I realize I like settling into this strange version of solitude. It forces you to depend on none other but yourself. Just like how in golf (so I hear {I am not responsible for any misuse of a simile involving sports, and should be given ample credit for even attempting to make one}), you have to keep track of your own amount of strokes or else your score will be fudged. Keeping track of the points in the game is up to YOU.

Anyhow, now I can't even remember which song it was. All I know is the theme made me smile. Not a 20% tip. Not a compliment. Not a full, quickly turning section. I was happy because here I was, alone in my own little track in the maze of the restaurant, smiling for an internal reason indescribable to anyone.

Nothing's guarunteed, even if it's promised.

Went with my dad today to his appointment and meeting. He's switched careers recently, from a master carpenter to a life insurance salesman. My skepticism prevailed, even up to half way through the appointment with Takeela (yep, real name). I'd hoped this was not another quick fix, miracle solution my dad had "discovered." But then he started talking, and the insurance info oozed. Then surmising training session after the house call further impressed me. Here was a group of people thoroughly invested in a plausible opportunity to make money. Enthusiastic, supportive, and obviously benefitted (several people won cruises), this group congratulated my dad on his abundant success. A woman gushed that he was "so sweet" and "one of those people you can't help but like." Aw... dats my dad.

So, I am inspired in my own job quest, commencing tomorrow. I've got everything googe-mapped, several resumes printed, reference numbers recorded, and craiglist exploited.

Maybe I'll make a pit stop at Maryland's quaintest consignment shop- Mustard Seed! It's been a chunk of time since I've bought any clothes.

I can NOT believe I have three months off! What the hell am I going to DO?! Ok I've got vague plans that include working, reading the 'classics,' eating healthy, finding new recipes and COOKING them, traveling, and working out. OH! Plus I'm going to reteach myself the entire Spanish language in order to test out of it for the Honors College. But, between all this, how am I going to live without my dancers, suities, honors nerds, and tour guides?!

Three months is a long time. Enough for a lot of things to change. I hope one stays relatively stable; even if it has to lie dormant. But that's how it's been for the last two months, with a pleasantly surprising erruption. Mmm hmmm.

Nothing's guarunteed, even if it's promised. So why even say anything at all? What is, IS. What will be, will BE. All I can attest for is the present and the slightly furturistic present. Today, tomorrow, perhaps next week. Forget the rest. Forget the past. It's all a blur of foiled intentions.

That's why I can only be happy as a result of one source.

Tortilla chips and cheese dip

Why is the one, most prominent weakness being challenged like no other time in my life? All of a sudden, WHAM! All of these bustling hands and eager voices swarm around me. There's so much buzzing, I can't possibly communicate richly with any one source of the noise. I'm limited to expressions, each punctuated by time's scarcity. But trapped also by my lack of concern. Except for that one. That one. And the reciprocation I finally received, is trapped by too much concern on the other end. Catch-22. Irony. Climactic arrival. Sigh.

Special attention isn't special, when given to everyone. Not everyone deserves it. The level of attention is stacked over time. It builds. I have to take the time to assemble these little structures of trust. Protection is a must.

We love talking about ourselves, don't we? I really don't care that you got an A. Or that you were crowned royalty by strangers. Or that you have an astronomically high amount of facebook friends. And I don't expect you to care about me either. We are self-serving, dismal creatures that only live to satiate drives that can not be abated. Forget it all, and lets talk about something that will last.

Humility is not thinking less of yourself. It's thinking of yourself, less.

Bluebirds...

If happy little bluebirds fly...

Addie sang that song like I've never heard it before. Her voice was like the drop of sweetness extracted from a honeysuckle flower. I closed by eyes and reveled in the lyrics, while a quiet happiness washed over me.

I don't need a man's arms wrapped around me to feel comforted. I have that. And I'm so glad I could cry. I do, sometimes. This blanket of down feathers warms me and all my fears are erased. There was nothing there to fear in the first place.

If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow,
Why, oh, why can't I?

Way up past the clouds and storm, there are blue skies. I promise. Isn't it amazing? They're always there. Well, I'm not coming down. I don't have to. I refuse to reside in rainstorms. (They're not good for my hair.)

I might keep it short and safe, for a while.

Recently, I got a rather drastic haircut. Five inches at least? Anyhow, I like the style and I might keep it this short for a while.

Just as I do with every other insignificant event in my life, I'm reading into this much deeper than necessary. But at least this time, I'm consciously making the decision instead of letting my thoughts aimlessly wander into a tangled knot of psychological mishaps.

[Preface: It has come to my attention that I use too many adjectives in my writing, which ends up withering and watering down the thrust I strive for. I actually have this problem in common with most of Adelphi's honors college. Yes, we like using big words and yes, we like shoving them in every available crevice within a sentence. This was the reason one of my professors assigned an essay to be written in the form of a business memo. Coincidentally, I got an A+ on the essay, and it was one of my geekiest, yet proudest moments. Lesson learned? With great straighforwardness, comes great success.]

My haircut is short and concise, yet not harsh to look at. It is possible to be like this verbally as well. You can be direct, but not insulting. Most times being blunt is harder for me, but easier for another to understand. So... And so.

I'll bite the bullet. I'll slice my word count in half (WAIT! Maybe just thirds) and say what I mean. But the notion doesn't stop here. I have to follow through.

[This is the start of something good, don't you agree? I haven't felt like this in so may moons, you know what I mean? And we can build through this destruction as we are standing on our feet. So since you want to be with me you have to follow through on every single word you say. And I all I really want is you, you to stick around, I'll see you everyday, but you have to follow through. -Gavin DeGraw, "Follow Through" ]

And, I'll do what I say.

I like this style. I might keep it short for a while.

***

Wrapped

I'll let time wash away the relevance
of emotion that could crumble me.
I'll keep the eclectic collection of feelings sealed away
in a steel safe.
I've reserved the key,
and the choice to use it.
But I walk from the past
toward the future
and find myself
now.

Chelsea: 1

After a wonderful day of sun, water, and boating, I'm sleepy and so content. I water-skied! After a few face plants, the rope pulled me up to a delicate balance. Showing off was not a choice for a person of my rudimentary skill level. But in my own mind at least, I was awesome (for at least ten seconds straight). Tubing was the best though. Trying to jump between both of the tubes while three other people desperately clung to the few handles, was the goal I aspired to. However, I usually designated myself as the instrumental "foundational member" of the dog pile, i.e. limbs spread and pasted onto every crevice/handle of that inner tube. While Sarah casually sat up on her knees, hair blowing in the breeze, I saw at least 4 synopsises of my life flash before my eyes. Her grace was that of a seasoned dolphin; mine resembled a beached whale. There was one crowning, victorious, diminutive moment. I was the last of four riders still clinging to the tube after a succession of jarring waves and leaping bodies. Chelsea: 1. Everyone else: ... Well the important thing is: Chelsea: 1.

But I'm happy for another, less obvious reason. Throughout the weekend, I did it. I stuck to actions that supported what I say I want. Last night, I could've been like I had in the past. But when I woke up this morning I was happy that I hadn't succumbed to my cozy habits. Today, I stayed safely within boundaries I'd set for myself. I didn't even bend the fence, or glance on the other side. I have my own grass and it's perfectly green, thank you very much.

I feel myself getting stronger and more confident everyday. I can scream and laugh and smile without wondering if I will be liked. I'm glad I've found this, or rather, that it found me.

My most recent TellAllGram

This is the latest edition to my TellAllGram wrting spree. While working for www.TellAllGram.com as the "Teen Editor," I write letters to be used as templates for people who want to "Tell All" in one form or another. I have a lot of fun with these by finding ways to tell people off, while keeping the delivery light-hearted and able to receive.

***

Dear Manager of Dunkin’ Donuts,

You are conveniently located adjacent to the Metro stop and at the heart of the thriving metropolis of Wheaton, MD. Every morning, I pass Dunkin’ Donuts en route to the train station, and have stopped in several times to satiate my debilitating caffeine craving. When obtaining a small, iced, “latte lite” at any other location, my hankering is successfully combated. However, your shop never quite hits the mark of my simplistic order. In one situation, I was detained for at least 15 minutes after ordering a small coffee. Maybe your employees were merely trying to heighten my level of anticipation, and therefore amount of enjoyment upon the actual consumption of my mocha-flavored beverage. If this was their intended strategy, then hats off! I was about to faint from a dizzy spell of excitement (or maybe depravity of caffeine) after the lengthy wait. But when the climactic moment finally arrived, they handed me two foreign, frothy, large drinks. Sadly, I accepted the offer despite its wrongness. Alas! Their plan had gone awry in the final stages. Mounted excitement? Check. Heightened enjoyment? Not so much.

And so this sparks the necessity for a note of encouragement, a signal for the need of beneficial change, a TellAllGram. I honestly believe your shop has all of the necessary ingredients to be the best Dunkin’ Donuts of all time: friendly employees, an excellent amount of business, and recipes for delicious yet affordable drinks. I am only suggesting that you combine these materials so that they can work cohesively and to your advantage. Just as your most skillful employee swirls, juggles, steams, and stirs to create a delectable experience, management must learn to do the same with the entire restaurant. The line should move quicker. The drinks should have better quality. The orders should be unfailingly accurate. In summary, The Wheaton location is in need of some sweetener.

Thank you,
Caffeine-aholic

P.S. If business continues to operate like it has been, you will be receiving another letter from me. That one will complain that your slogan is false advertising, and will adamantly demand that it should be changed to, “America moseys along in Dunkin.’”

Need to organize the next week and a half in my head

Things to do today:
~BUY THANK YOU CARDS for people at my internship/ask Molly for a general recommendation letter.
~Go tanning.
~Work out (if possible).
~Write a (or a few) TellAllGrams.
~Stretch after class.

Things to do of Friday:
~Pedicure (and eyebrows?) with mom
~Maaaybe get my hair cut and (even less probability) colored.
~Work out.
~Tanning.
~Work @ 5
~Spend the night at mom's

Saturday:
~Breakfast with mom and Pam
~Work out.
~Tanning.
~Work @ 5

Sunday:
~Boating with Sarah!!!

Things to do before leaving for school:

~Clean and wash my car.
~Find all of the cords and things that I need to hook up my TV.
~Bring my portable DVD player, and the cord it needs to hook up to my TV.
~Bring DVDs!! (Mas importante).
~Download as much music as I can stuff onto my laptop so that I can upload it onto my Iphone when I get it on the 17th.
~Figure out how to take apart my metal shelf thing.
~Go to a grocery store and steal cardboard boxes.

Things I (or my mom :) ) should buy:
~Uniform type of shampoo, conditioner, and body wash.
~New "body spray" from bath and body works.
~New bare minerals make-up. YES it IS necessary.
~An organizer/ hanger thingy for my eclectic collection of shoes
~More hangers.
~A bucket type thing for my toiletries.
~Cleaning supplies. I admit this is a vague and broad term but I have not a clue as to what I should bring in regards to such a foreign household duty such as cleaning.

Heavy eyelids

The lightening storm blinks away the darkness. I can't remember when it rained tonight, but the iron table is soaking wet. The wine drenches my tongue and I savor the outlawed flavor, reveling in my under aged rebellion. Crickets must be proud of their chorus tonight. They out sing my music. And I slip into a comfortable state of mind.

No one sees me now. I'm unreachable. Every line of communication is controllable, and I've decided to put them to sleep. They shut their eyes at the appropriate time of night. I say that time is now.

I'm left in a wonderful pool of bliss. A lovely solitude. I'm inundated in the absence of words, and conversation, and interpretation, and miscommunication. All that's left is me. And what I say is right. My thoughts are not confined to responsibility or direction. This is satisfaction, this is freedom; the ability to venture without restriction. This is me.

***

Funny how the direct and simplistic labeling of an individual can be so relieving. I'm usually the one to assume the best intentions of an individual, while contrastingly guaranteeing the dismal nature of the larger group. Basically, when dealing one on one, I an a hopeless optimist. I am willing to give multiple chances, justify another's behavior based on my own misunderstanding, attribute shortcoming to the situation instead of the individual. But there comes a point when simplicity outweighs all other explanations.

I'm beginning to "call it ass I see it." If they're an ass, then so be it. Does it matter how many childhood memories, or unfair opportunities, or personality disorders they have? No. Not in the long run. Everyone has mountains to move. Whoop de friggin do. Get over it and prove yourself.

Chelsea. Get over it and prove yourself.

Surge

Reasons why this is a kick ass day so far:

1. I just got free starbursts because the vending machines were in the middle of being restocked. The nice restocker man just handed them over to me.
2. I have absolutely nothing to do (as usual) at my internship, though I'm not nearly bored. I made a list of constructive things to do- such as figuring out my current financial aid predicament. And the list is slowly but surely shrinking.
3. I just got paid yesterday. Like, a LOT.
4. Should be getting an IPhone immanently. And get this! It's being paid for with a check from my newest employer.
5. I have a new employer! I'm now the "Teen Editor" of http://www.tellallgram.com/. This position just fell into my lap. My uncle/long time family friend is starting this new business that is kind of like sending anonymous e-cards. My job is to write up little letters that will be used as templates for customers who want to send tellallgrams to businesses, individuals, or whomever. This came right on time, because I was just realizing that I have NO idea what I want to do as a career but that I really do like to write. So now I have a useful outlet for my pent up urge to merge entertaining thoughts with words I like. Plus, I'll learn so much from being a part of a budding business, in terms of how to start my own one day. Best part? I'll be paid $12 an hour. Okay, not the lottery but a damn good amount for someone my age. Oh, and my other job responsibility? To update "Tellallgram Man's" facebook page, through use of my new IPhone. I died.
6. Finally decided that Gavin DeGraw is without a doubt, no questions asked, my favorite musician. I just discovered that he has two new CDs out, that I do not own yet. I know, I'm a sucky fan. But I vow to memorize every lyric, just as I did with his first CD.
7. I decided operation: "Stay Away" has officially commenced. Hell if this girl is emotionally dependant.
8. I (well not really) made an impact on someone this weekend without knowing or meaning to. Just by being myself and participating in conversation I enjoyed, I encouraged someone else. ha. cool.
9. Six text messages just arrived at once. A few of which are from excellent sources. As in, I'm very happy right now. Like, this is awesome.
10. I'm in love with a man who loves me better.

Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements?

I finally understand Adele's song. If I keep chasing pavements, I'll keep smacking my head on the cement. All that does is lead me nowhere, backwards even. So, should I give up? and fly around in circles as my head drops? Because perhaps that will lead me somewhere eventually, but "giving up" has such a negative connotation. We always want to hold on to every possible ounce of hope. But sometimes, that's just unwise. Giving up could mean showing admirable courage.

It's an endless, ruthless circle. I can't do this all over again. The EXACT same thing. I know myself. I can't keep attempting to bend the rules. I am just unable to do it. Though, sometimes I wish I could.

Released airway

Breath in.



Ever so often I come to an intersection. I hold my breath, introspectively observing my reaction. I'm looking from a bystander's position, wringing my fingers and only concerned with finding out what my uncontrollable, instinctive reaction will inevitably be. And even less often are the times when I'm able to breath out with giddy excitement. My reaction to this stimuli was impulsive detachment. I admitted to the existence of a previous connection, but candidly accepted its end. Which then brought on happiness and the deepest, most satisfying sigh I've had in a long time. See what happens when you follow your heart?



I did. I stayed in the struggle long enough to qualify the action as justified determination. But somewhere along the way, perserverance morphed into weakness, into a hopeless contraption that sandwiched me between hurt for myself and the hurt of another. Strength, I realized, could now only be demonstrated by a decision that broke both. Temporarily.



Until a wonderous exhale today exhumed my happiness. The beauty is that I don't regret anything. Contrarily, I am astoundingly thankful for every single experience we shared. Though an individual might not remain in my life for a lifetime, their impact effects me as does a pebble tossed in a pond, rippling an otherwise untextured surface.



Breath out.

Internal dialogues

I swear, the internal dialogues that go on inside my head are freaking hysterical sometimes. They lead to these inexplicable little outbursts of giggling, that are sometimes mistaken as impolite expressions of ridicule towards the nearest person. Perhaps I should resist the temptation to sink into my own imaginary world, because my reactions are often misunderstood as offensive. "What are you laughing at?" is probably up there, on the list of most frequent questions posed to me. Not you. Trust me.

For example, on my way back from the bathroom in the Humphrey building of the Department of Health and Human services, I saw this janitor guy speeding along on a machine that functioned something like a scooter/mover of heavy items. Sort of like those scooters mall cops cruise around on. All of a sudden, I picture myself on this wonderful engine, posed in first arabesque, hair blowing in the wind, pointed feet in patent-leather heels, grinning as I swiftly speed by a doorway which leads to a dark sea of desks and computers. Stick it to "the man" I say.

Another example. Upon considering a way to simplify and expedite the dating process, I mused about disclosing all of my deal breakers in the first five minutes. "..." No wonder I'm disagreed with so often. I certainly find myself in a minority. Even though I'm white. Yet and still, I'm far from dismayed.

***

The smallest things to other people seem to unravel my nerves. Like, lack of a vocabulary. I'm not trying to seem pompous or above anyone, but I use a variety of words to talk. And when I spend time trying to think of exactly the right word to successfully describe what it is I'm trying to articulate, only to be misunderstood, it irks me. Spelling too. Can someone please learn the difference between "your" and "you're"?!

"genuwine." OMG. Really?

I suppose this just shows me what worth words actually carry. Especially the definition and use of them. They express colors, smells, sounds, ideas, emotions, experiences, memories, dreams, aspects. A good author takes time to handpick each word for a specific purpose. All of them enhance the book, and none of them are superfluous. Just like beans on bean night.

***

Bending over backwards

For some reason lately I've really wanted to learn how to do a back walkover. Looks fun and cleanly continuous. Almost like vertical rolling. and tremendously symbolic.

I would have ridiculously intricate inside jokes with... myself.

Enamored to know him

There is so much I don't know.

But I do know this: what family I belong to.

I'm enthralled. I'm enamored. There is no other love like him, there will never be. He is my everything. He comes first and last and is every minute detail in between. Love is considering another before taking care of yourself. Love is trust and trust means exterpating every itching voice of doubt and ridicule that squirms, unwelcomed, in your mind. Confidence is being "with faith," and faithfulness is also an inescapable chapter. I might die a virgin, but I've made love.

and I'm nothing.

Knowing this is abundantly worth knowing.

I must be stubborn enough to disagree with you. Yet mature enough to discover with you. Because after all, there is so much I still don't know.

Whaaaa?

While routinely surfing the web during my "busy" work day, I stumbled upon some rather entertaining personal ads, on craigslist. Some were honest, some were funny, and others were unimaginably out there to me. Who knew people could be so dissatisfied with themselves, their lives, and their committed partners? It continues to amaze me how that we, are the ones that truly cause the majority of our own problems. If it weren't for our own humanistic errors, we'd be much happier. So the perplexing irony is this: happiness can be attained if first denying oneself. But then, who's left to be happy? hahahaahaha.

"Hello, I'm hoping to find a woman who is also married (but can be single) who is looking for a little passion in their life. To be clear, I am not looking for a one night stand nor am I looking for a woman who sleeps around. Rather, I am trying to establish a relationship outside my marriage that makes me feel alive again. I'm 5'9" 185, athletic built and handsome. If you're interest then please email me so we can get to know each other. If things work out online then perhaps (if we are both ready) we can meet in person. I prefer an older woman (the older the better) but I would welcome younger if they were mature enough. Please write me if interested and let's just see where it goes. If things work out, I would hope to keep the affair ongoing and very discreet. "

wow. I can't believe the absolute bluntness and audacity. Yet, I can... since I salvage no hope for mankind.

Poparazzi

After hours of droning TV, I meander outside. My eyes settle on the rope which composes the hammock, suspended between wood posts. I climb in and am cocooned by the net, wondering how such thin thread could securely uphold my body. The strings; narrow but strong. Inhaling serviced my senses and calmed my aggravation. The cool, sweet air belonged to summer and I welcomed the parallel relationship. The fireflies were bright spots in the dense darkness, and they playfully vanquished the void with their illustrious ends. Floating, with looming, black trees as their background, their blinking resembled wildly enthusiastic photographers. Flashing from every angle and with endless repetition, they seemed to capture my moment of solitude. Except, it's not solitude anymore, not with them there. This must be how celebrities feel. Inundated with opinions and judgements on their every move.

***

I am trapped; I can't administer my ruthless thoughts to another, when I should administer them first, to myself.

So. To both audiences:
Stop venting. Shut up. It's the same as complaining. Quit bitching. Because most likely, there's someone out there who deserves to say the same or worse about you. And they have. Where does that leave you? In the same position you put those in, who you are now talking about. Be the anti-catalyst!! Break the cycle.

The buck stops here.

***

It's 11:00. I don't care. I'm eating lunch.

Floating

I do not find it necessary to get black out drunk.

I'm a tad bit worried.

I hate tongue rings.

I don't know how to handle family.

Why is the other set of human beings, so complicated?

Got my first check from work. eh.

Someone might go to a place I never thought possible.

New understanding of the word, "disliked."

Balancing this act.

The trouble rumors cause, even when there aren't any.

New York City.

Iphone= want.

Nervousness. I don't want to break another one.

Dismissing it ALL.

Watershed effect

Is there not someone out there that gives a care? There are few and far between that strive to be honest, straightforward, and direct. Know what they want. One person's lackadaisical attitude can be damaging to others.

Oppositely, the radiation of someone's strength and simplicity can be encouraging. In abiding by your own rules, you encourage others to challenge themselves too. Thank you. Not because you've done anything for me. But because you've been true to yourself you've reminded me to step it up a notch.

So excited. Just can't hide it.

I'm so excited for this weekend!! Old friends, class, and a graduation party. Can NOT wait. Even for the drive... usually I don't like doing 5 hours in the car, but since I'll have three human sources of entertainment surrounding me, I know even driving will be a blast.

Plus, I'm realizing more and more that a decision I made was indeed the right one. It's funny how when you follow what you know is right, everything else just falls into place.

I'm happy.

"Delayed gratitude is most rewarding."

And now I must go. I actually have work to do today.