I'm too lathargic to be angry. whatever.

At that point, I knew I'd turn out ok.

What could I do? If paying tuition comes down as a responsibility on my own back, then so be it. Didn't really matter that I thought he'd spread himself too thin, and can't follow through on all his promises. Oh well. Moving on.

Prioritize. Consolidate. Breathe. Despite not being thrust ahead by provisions that I thought should've been made, I'll get by. Why do other students seem to have it so easy? They can slide on through with no financial worries. But in the end, as long as it gets paid then I'm satisfied. I'll shrug it off only to realize this is an opportunity to demand my own respect.

One of the most admirable characteristics someone could have, in my eyes, is simply to have their shit TOGETHER. Here's my chance.

You know? I'm glad. I'm glad I don't happen to be a spoiled little brat, who refuses to move out and demands my parents to pay rent and drops out of school. If I have to forgo the money I've saved to combat becoming anything resembling that person, then GOOD. Not a problem.

Freshly woven web of footsteps

I sort of had a wonderful day today. It was nice, being in a good mood for no direct reason. Sure there were triggers, such as coincidentally seeing a friend at work, feeling more settled in the restaurant, NOT being on the "who's most likely to be fired when the new manager comes," list, being complimented by fellow servers on my attitude, and making good tips.

But really, I noticed I was happy when I had a song stuck in my head with no idea how it had gotten there. I hadn't heard it or thought about the lyrics in years, yet there it was, humming its way through my vocal chords beneath the white noise of the restaurant. It's a funny situation being a server. You are completely and irrefutably surrounded by people at all times. Loud, demanding, hungry, thirsty, very specific people. Yet and still, you can be completely alone in your thoughts. Despite the prevailing "teamwork policy," YOU are really the only person that knows everything that goes on with your tables. If you don't get the lemon slices, they (most likely) will not get gotten. I realize I like settling into this strange version of solitude. It forces you to depend on none other but yourself. Just like how in golf (so I hear {I am not responsible for any misuse of a simile involving sports, and should be given ample credit for even attempting to make one}), you have to keep track of your own amount of strokes or else your score will be fudged. Keeping track of the points in the game is up to YOU.

Anyhow, now I can't even remember which song it was. All I know is the theme made me smile. Not a 20% tip. Not a compliment. Not a full, quickly turning section. I was happy because here I was, alone in my own little track in the maze of the restaurant, smiling for an internal reason indescribable to anyone.

Oy vey

I fear that I'm a terrifically boring person.

When did mediocrity become acceptable?

Just because you laugh it off, or sulk, or retaliate, lackadaisicality isn't excused. I'm sick of it; in them, in me, in everyone.

I'm just ready to wear my heart on my sleeve. Even if I'm a fool for it. I ought to be an open book. My embarrassments aren't only for me to learn from. Sure, I'll be slightly red-faced while sharing, but I'll get over it. I'm just ready to relinquish the eternal task of keeping responsibility at bay, and distracting myself from its constant knocking. I want to be real- straight up with no ice and no chaser. A shot of honesty is what I, and everyone else, truly need.

Today, someone said I inspired them. Granted, it was my mom, but still... it meant a lot. Little does she know (I hope she does) she inspires me too. She recently moved out of a basement room into a small apartment. But the thing is she's so frugal with her money, so responsible with it, she deserves whatever purchase she makes. I can learn from that; I can learn from her.

If you see something, say something. Simple as that.

Stream of Consciousness

I know I'm tired, but I have absolutely no desire to sleep. Doing so would end the day, and wedge me farther into the unmapped future. So instead, I rebel against time and peel back my eyelids.

I read over my journal from when I was 13 until 16. After I recovered from my convulsing laughter, I got a tad bit frustrated with myself. I have the same problems now as I did when I was 16. The problem was me. But now, I'll never look back.

My Ukranian step cousin is in town. Sweet little thing she is. Reminds me a LOT of Amelie- the French girl in the movie with the gnomes? She's sporting the same haircut and she's foreign. We all visited The Baltimore Inner Harbor today. She and Inna insisted on starting a conversation with 5 thuggush strangers. Damn their adorable, trusting nature. Olya actually offered a lick of her ice cream, in a completely non-sexual manner of course. Though nothing happened other than really awkward, forced conversation, I did in fact, momentarily fear for our lives.

Dad's iphone flew off the top of our car and was run over by several automobiles. I laughed. He did not. We are both, currently Iphoneless. Oh well.

I was approached by some sort of non-denominational evangelist today in Barnes and Noble. We talked for a while, but I didn't feel the urge to argue unitl midnight. He pleaded that "it was a matter of eternal life." I know sir. Believe me, above all, THIS I know.

Strangely, I dreamt a similar situation only two nights ago.

I conducted an experiment today and found that thoughts really do control bodily reactions. Your temperature can truly reflect your mood.

This Ukrainian cat has somehow crawled her way into my lap and into a perfectly shaped sphere. She finally relinquished her battle for my laptop's keyboard as her nest, and settled for my thighs. She looks like she's always wearing heels, the way her legs are shaped. Always presentable, always poised. In fact, she'd be an expert video-chatter.

Rain, summer rain. Thunder, sing me to sleep. I'll concede to you.

Nothing's guarunteed, even if it's promised.

Went with my dad today to his appointment and meeting. He's switched careers recently, from a master carpenter to a life insurance salesman. My skepticism prevailed, even up to half way through the appointment with Takeela (yep, real name). I'd hoped this was not another quick fix, miracle solution my dad had "discovered." But then he started talking, and the insurance info oozed. Then surmising training session after the house call further impressed me. Here was a group of people thoroughly invested in a plausible opportunity to make money. Enthusiastic, supportive, and obviously benefitted (several people won cruises), this group congratulated my dad on his abundant success. A woman gushed that he was "so sweet" and "one of those people you can't help but like." Aw... dats my dad.

So, I am inspired in my own job quest, commencing tomorrow. I've got everything googe-mapped, several resumes printed, reference numbers recorded, and craiglist exploited.

Maybe I'll make a pit stop at Maryland's quaintest consignment shop- Mustard Seed! It's been a chunk of time since I've bought any clothes.

I can NOT believe I have three months off! What the hell am I going to DO?! Ok I've got vague plans that include working, reading the 'classics,' eating healthy, finding new recipes and COOKING them, traveling, and working out. OH! Plus I'm going to reteach myself the entire Spanish language in order to test out of it for the Honors College. But, between all this, how am I going to live without my dancers, suities, honors nerds, and tour guides?!

Three months is a long time. Enough for a lot of things to change. I hope one stays relatively stable; even if it has to lie dormant. But that's how it's been for the last two months, with a pleasantly surprising erruption. Mmm hmmm.

Nothing's guarunteed, even if it's promised. So why even say anything at all? What is, IS. What will be, will BE. All I can attest for is the present and the slightly furturistic present. Today, tomorrow, perhaps next week. Forget the rest. Forget the past. It's all a blur of foiled intentions.

That's why I can only be happy as a result of one source.

here we are again I suppose. another venture; another possibility. the climb begins. minute questions trickle from my mouth, as does the routine speech. love the dealbreakers. welcome to my world. nice to meet you.

*************************************************************************************
All Night.

Our relationship hasn't lasted long,
but it's intense enough to inspire song.
Spent the night in wild shame,
gave me wings of impassioned flame.
Those lustful hours you stole attention,
demanded focus, relieved all tension.
Gave me life amidst wearied woe,
the task ahead went much less slow.
And as the sun rose above my head,
I realized I had not yet said:
"You, indeed, excite my soul,
you, my dearest, reddest bull."