goodnight world and all your fancies

goodnight world and all your fancies.

i received your happiest gesture.

you made glimmering boasts and clanking toasts

to things you couldn't offer.



swept me away to a midnight ball.

sung an illustrious promise.

stuffed me full of cheery bull.

and now i long for solace.



sleep quiets your festivities

and breathing becomes less becoming

there's triumph in (forgetting me and) inepting you,

and its dreams will be realer than you ever did seem.

our lives might intersect

our lives might intersect
or twirl around
each other's for a while,
and you might kiss my face
as I genuinely smile.
and we'll hold hands and
gallivant through
buildings, streets, and people, meet,
as sunlight fades to black.
but when time comes to part our ways,
I may dwell in slight dismay,
though only just a bit.
Because I know that for some shortispan,
we learned and lived and gaily banned
solidarity.
If new angles were all I got,
on which to spread my piled thoughts,
then i thank you, for
we combatted solitude,
and chased dreams that shaped reality.
If our paths will once more entertwine,
I'll nod with firm maturity,
and salute that brief, chance meet.

green.

my youthfulness is inescapable. as much as I'd like to be the unabashed vixen, I'm the contrary. I bumble, I stutter, and I'm still figuring out the difference between "want" and "need."

hm.

Could it be?

***

In the Game of Communication

If I could write the richest phrase,
full of depth and textured layer,
laid so the reader understands its maze
I'd be a satisfied player.

White noise

I need to shower but I'm too tired to budge. Fourth of July weekend was filled with more work hours than normal, and my being busy was amplified by everyone else's inclination for vacation. Oh well. I'm making 'dat monay' and can't complain.

My brother's now working at my restaurant. I'm glad. It's pretty fun finding ways to be a big sister. One action at a time, I'm discovering my role.

I can't wait to decorate my dorm. Swear, everytime I drive back to Adelphi, I get excited all over again about college. I don't want this superficial bubble of a life to end. I've got two years, thank you very much, and I plan to love every second of them.

I'm too lathargic to be angry. whatever.

At that point, I knew I'd turn out ok.

What could I do? If paying tuition comes down as a responsibility on my own back, then so be it. Didn't really matter that I thought he'd spread himself too thin, and can't follow through on all his promises. Oh well. Moving on.

Prioritize. Consolidate. Breathe. Despite not being thrust ahead by provisions that I thought should've been made, I'll get by. Why do other students seem to have it so easy? They can slide on through with no financial worries. But in the end, as long as it gets paid then I'm satisfied. I'll shrug it off only to realize this is an opportunity to demand my own respect.

One of the most admirable characteristics someone could have, in my eyes, is simply to have their shit TOGETHER. Here's my chance.

You know? I'm glad. I'm glad I don't happen to be a spoiled little brat, who refuses to move out and demands my parents to pay rent and drops out of school. If I have to forgo the money I've saved to combat becoming anything resembling that person, then GOOD. Not a problem.

Freshly woven web of footsteps

I sort of had a wonderful day today. It was nice, being in a good mood for no direct reason. Sure there were triggers, such as coincidentally seeing a friend at work, feeling more settled in the restaurant, NOT being on the "who's most likely to be fired when the new manager comes," list, being complimented by fellow servers on my attitude, and making good tips.

But really, I noticed I was happy when I had a song stuck in my head with no idea how it had gotten there. I hadn't heard it or thought about the lyrics in years, yet there it was, humming its way through my vocal chords beneath the white noise of the restaurant. It's a funny situation being a server. You are completely and irrefutably surrounded by people at all times. Loud, demanding, hungry, thirsty, very specific people. Yet and still, you can be completely alone in your thoughts. Despite the prevailing "teamwork policy," YOU are really the only person that knows everything that goes on with your tables. If you don't get the lemon slices, they (most likely) will not get gotten. I realize I like settling into this strange version of solitude. It forces you to depend on none other but yourself. Just like how in golf (so I hear {I am not responsible for any misuse of a simile involving sports, and should be given ample credit for even attempting to make one}), you have to keep track of your own amount of strokes or else your score will be fudged. Keeping track of the points in the game is up to YOU.

Anyhow, now I can't even remember which song it was. All I know is the theme made me smile. Not a 20% tip. Not a compliment. Not a full, quickly turning section. I was happy because here I was, alone in my own little track in the maze of the restaurant, smiling for an internal reason indescribable to anyone.