let all the damn details go

Oh yuck. I don't need this. I refuse REFUSE to act as if a minute explanation could affect me more than marginally. Am I happy? Yes. Would I change my current situation? ABSOLUTELY not. I need to accept the reality that there are things I will NEVER know, and not knowing them doesn't mean what I DO know has any less meaning.

I guess it's not so much a desire to know, as it is a feeling of entitlement, or a notion that I deserve satisfaction. Or even, quite possibly, an offensive tactic: an effort to teach (or scorn) YOU based on MY disagreement with your action. Perhaps even to announce, that YOU are subpar, and I am enduring YOUR stupidity.

But the problem then becomes this: all of that raises me above you. And that, is simply untrue, because frankly? I'm not.

*Sigh.* And there goes another erruption of emotion, that further demonstrates the need to LET IT GO. Let all of the damn details go.

In THIS action, there is relief. Accepting the 'unknown,' and its eternal presence in the world.

Let Her Cry

I sit here listening to the Counting Crows sing lyrics of a daddy's girl past. I remember my unwavering assurance in the man I called my father. His jokes were funniest, his ideas were the epitome of influencial, and his approval essential. Since then, reality's desicrated his reputation. I love him though, unconditional of his setbacks and our through rifts. Even if the biggest obstacles are derived from his own choices. Now I know if there's any hope to love, and to be loved, this earnesty is required. Humility doesn't hurt either.
Who's to say the very next second doesn't bring my last breath? Who the hell am I to declare what I do 'right' and the next person 'wrong'? Too often it's emphasized that we should "live each moment like it's our last," meaning we should experience all that we can and not hold back. I don't want to leave it there. I want to live each moment the best, most qualitatively, that I can.
So many people I know, including my dad (including me) are living with a gushing heart just barely beneath their surface. We rhythmically glide through days asking, "how are you?" and replying "good thanks!" as our eyes wander the room and thoughts shift independantly of our words. We don't eat; we chew and swallow. We don't learn; we memorize. We don't think; we manuever. We don't walk; we rush. But sometimes, something pangs our weakness, and the exposure of the thing we fought so hard to hide, reveals us.
Sky diving turns into bungie-jumping, and the rebound of the cord is all the more jarring; guts dropping at the bounce.

My biggest aspiration is to encourage someone else the way I've been inspired. To say, "I see you," and mean it. To delve into the depths of myself, and as a result challenge someone else to do the same. To smile for a genuine reason. To be complimented and deserve it. To shine brighter than gold. To be alright with never receiving recognition by mankind. To deserve my own respect.

Lately I've felt content and glad I am where I am. Specifically, Adelphi University. Suite 2B. IDMR, Queens, NY. The Honors college. A business major. 135 lbs. With friends, but not too many. Involved a smidge in Dance Adelphi. Single. I refuse the notion that any of these situations are happenstance.

I'm determined to live both hungry and full. Both to want and to be thankful. Really, this is the only way I can be happy. I know this.