Babble.

?
Fragile sweetness melts with fervent heat.
Silver armour totes the family name.
The tiny soldier peacefully combats craving.
Such a man, right now I'd love to meet.

***

Hershey's Kiss.

lol.

Ima dork.

Why haven't they invented telaporters yet?

I feel as if I tend to let friends slip away. I hate that. I don't want them to forget about me, and I want to hear about their lives! Distance is such an annoying obstacle. I read in a book once that you are much more likely to be better friends with your neighbor, than a friend across the country. So because of proximity and happenstance, many friendships form (and fade away). That sucks and is stupid.


I'm ready to go back to school. I shared a bathroom with a floor full of Long Island girls, and my 13 X 15 square foot room with a roommate. And yet, I'd easily trade my current spacious bedroom and clean bathroom to regain the accessibility of my closest friends. Because somehow, I've managed to feel more crowded here, than ever at school.

***

Colors

Cascading waves of yellow

fall on waves of blue

aimless wisps of grey gloom drift

and frame you between the two

I gather bits of hope

purple specks I pluck from sand

and hold them while we walk

and cup them in your hand

wet, red lips you morph into

a defeated, final shape

the pounding heard, is not the shore

and is more than I can take

we leave as one, but each alone

(the grey obstructs the light)

the purple promise at end, is lost

though once was held so tight.

Watershed effect

Is there not someone out there that gives a care? There are few and far between that strive to be honest, straightforward, and direct. Know what they want. One person's lackadaisical attitude can be damaging to others.

Oppositely, the radiation of someone's strength and simplicity can be encouraging. In abiding by your own rules, you encourage others to challenge themselves too. Thank you. Not because you've done anything for me. But because you've been true to yourself you've reminded me to step it up a notch.

So excited. Just can't hide it.

I'm so excited for this weekend!! Old friends, class, and a graduation party. Can NOT wait. Even for the drive... usually I don't like doing 5 hours in the car, but since I'll have three human sources of entertainment surrounding me, I know even driving will be a blast.

Plus, I'm realizing more and more that a decision I made was indeed the right one. It's funny how when you follow what you know is right, everything else just falls into place.

I'm happy.

"Delayed gratitude is most rewarding."

And now I must go. I actually have work to do today.

Metro. Madness?

Metro this morning was a mess. Yesterday, the cars were sliced open like tin cans, leading to now fear-induced sardines packing in today. Bodies and darkness immensely surrounded me when the train paused between two stops. Amidst barks from the conductor to, "Stand clear of the closing doors, please," bodies huddled as close to, "the center of the car," as possible. The absence of space triggered claustrophobia, and a customer fainted at the distress of it all. Three water bottles were thrust her way, and yelps for use of the emergency button were proclaimed.



Within the two hours it took me to navigate through an unfamiliar route and arrive at my destination, I realized I wasn't upset, angry or worried. I realized that it was because I knew I had no control over the "situation" as the Metro managers/announcers so timidly titled the fatal crash. Also, I was calm because I knew my tardiness would be excused. After all, half of all the other government workers were struggling through the chaos with me. We'd be late today.



So why then... should I ever get upset or angry about anything? Whether it be out of or "in" my control? Really, nothing is ever "in my control." It was up to the Metro employees to delineate alternate routes and to solve the problem, not me. All I could do was follow their instructions and hope for the best. I will never posses the ability to neatly tie up life's loose ends; it's up to the man doing it all...

Surely this is a reason to forget temper tantrums.



However, this perspective does not allow me to lie on the couch and send my positive energy into the universe and hope for favorable returns. It does not allow me to resign all drive to be successful, optimistic, involved, and self-actualized. It doesn't give me permission to disassociate myself from my surroundings, and therefore allow the unwanted consequential events to pervade as a result of that disparity. It does not endow me with the right to disconnect from the words exiting my mouth, and the actions defining my character.



I can simply accept events that I didn't plan for. I can stay happy, but only after keeping a promise: that I've done everything I can to justly represent the family name, within my assigned realm of responsibility. I must constantly remind myself of that. I'm no better than anybody else. Meaning, I could easily be in their place.



Which is why I realize it is not my "place" to administer harsh chastisement. It's not even my place to think condemning of another. I shouldn't have to supervise my words, if my thoughts are in the right place. If I don't think something, then there's no worry I'll unintentionally slip and say it. But, when I am inspired to mention something constructive, it is my duty to speak my peace and then hold my peace. To be a witness and an experience-sharer. I want to do, what I hope and expect others to do for me. Express concern, perhaps an alternate route, and to then go on with being merry. No need for hostility. No need for the urge to bitch slap. Because that urge should be abruptly curtailed, before the thought becomes a word.

"There's no difference between venting, and complaining." Dr. Robert Harris.

So if A=B, and B=C, then your thoughts = your destiny.

***

On another note... I am completely excited/inspired about my health kick and exercise spree. I am liking the idea more and more of becoming the "got it together" version of me. This version includes the ability to meet deadlines, not procrastinate, exercise regularly, eat healthily, make my own money, make educated financial decisions, not have dumb anger eruptions, be on time, not cut corners, keep in contact with more people, and read more books. I mean, I know these things aren't on the life or death importance level, but I'm trying to do what I know I should do.

So, when I run my 3 miles in 30 (or hopefully less) minutes and do my 200 crunches, I'm proud. Yes because it's bikini season. Sure. But also because it's simply healthy. And I'm representing all that I want to portray.

***

I cut up pictures of in shape women jogging in their cute bikinis on the beach to hang on my

bedroom wall, as inspiration. (lol. Not a lesbian. Swear.)

Silent cubicles surround me

Bored. Bored bored bored. I am at my internship with absolutely no assignments, tasks or anything at all to do. Attempting to satiate at least a fraction of my "need-to-be-productive gene," I studied the menu of the Scottish pub I'll be working at for the rest of the summer. I'm down right séanmhar about being a hostess/server at the Royal Mile Pub. Comedians, garage bands, and other cheery, energetic folk come and perform on certain nights of every month. I think the tips will be sweet, as will be my resulting attitude. With 75 Scottish malts, and a whole list devoted solely to Scotch, I'm thinking the customers will be more than friendly. [Envision a kilt-wearing Scots/Irishman, serenading me with melodic bagpipes.] Hey, a girl can dream, especially while staring at thumb-tacked walls.

***

I was determined to work out this morning, but that would've meant scraping my eyelids open at 6:00 am, piling my shower, clothing and make-up necessities in my car, driving to a foreign branch of my gym, and persuading them to let me in despite the "one-branch only" limitations of my monthly pass. Whatever. I am resolute that I WILL, eventually, make extremely good use of that gym this summer. The other day, I could definitely feel a difference after a three mile run and weight lifting. If only I had more time, or a single job that just paid enough.

Time is short. It always has been. Ever since reaching an age of cognition, I've heard the world has been about to end. [No Day But Today!] But really, it's true. The time for wounded feelings, is over. The time for livid anger, is over. An aside: yesterday I was in a meeting that dicussed how the Department of Health and Human Services could conglomerate all of its fractured data storage systems into one, homogeneous, efficient route of information. One particular diagram displayed a birds eye view of the computer system and its core functions. Of course on a lower level of awareness, there are gritty components involved such as people, computers, time constraints, and bureaucrats that obscure the general operation, that the diagram so directly demonstrated. End: aside. Right now all I care about is seeing everything from a "thousand foot view." Thematic. Simplistic. Focused. Essential. And from way up here, one can't help but be happy.

***

Sonnet

Facebook dear, why are you blocked?

Inside these walls, they have me locked.

Big Bro, I know, he wants what's best.

But the yearn to chat, explodes my chest.

Facebook please come rescue me!

This damsel's tied to tracks, indeed.

I'm kidnapped now, I'm nowhere found.

Kiss me to wake from sleeping sound.

Enemy: boredom, solitude

would die with just one glimpse at you

Oh no. Not now! Minimize. X out!

The boss is on her roundabout.

Poseur

Yesterday, I heard a new line,
"a solar eclipse, your eyes remind."
Too bad I have no nerve to lie;
to evade and say, "How rude. I'm blind!"

"As You Like It"- Shakespeare

All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts, His acts being seven ages.

Ripe

I ran into a girl I knew from High School today, while boarding the metro on the way to my internship in D.C. She is Islamic, and she's piling on a heavy school load including an internship of her own (which explains our coincidental colliding) and several extracurricular activities in order to divert her path from an immediate, parental-ordained marriage. Law school is her desired route, and she's galloping toward it. Go girl. Do it up. I admire every individual who follows through with thick-layered ambitions. And can confidently say, I'm beginning to do the same.


***

Sliced up a scrumptious watermelon. Seedless too. My hands were drenched in sticky sweetness. Summer has been proclaimed.

Sigh

sweet humid air, tastes like honeysuckle dew. the sky's the shade of orange sherbert. (coincidentally, so are my nails). it's like i'm wearing ski goggles, the way the hue softens everything around me. I silently applaud an orchestra of aerial creatures. it's spring. mating season. can't go a second without a mate nearby.

Combine an interest in writing and a colorful life

About a week and a half ago, I found enough energy to peel back the covers of my wonderfully cozy bed, and jump-start the day with a jog. Although 9:30 felt like an excruciatingly early hour for summer, I was relieved when my nike clad feet pounded the pavement. The sidewalk maze of our apartment complex stretched though three parking lots and finally opened up after passing a poorly planned intersection. I headed toward the tree-bearing cul de sacs.



As I trudged past another suburbian home, I nearly giggled to death as a baby dear caught my attention. The Bambi was curled up in a freckled, tiny, two feet long ball, tucked beneath a shrub. What was he doing here? He let out a few bleats apparently calling for his mama. Should I call animal control? Should I knock on the lawn-owners front door? Nah, I kept jogging.



On the way back I had one of the most ironic encounters within the last year, at least. After circling the dead end and heading back on the opposite side of the street, I kept my eye on the house that hosted the Bambi. Then... no, it couldn't be. What were the chances? This too wierd. A Deer Park Water van pulling up to the same house? As the driver stepped out, he was startled by what he though was a baby crying, or bird chirping. I commented, "Isn't that crazy? A baby deer!" he agreed. I don't know what happened after that, but the twilight zone event stayed in my mind.



Deer: timid, calm, pretty (enough), humble, prolific. I ran through all of their associated characteristics.



Not until a week later, roughly now, did I realize the relevant significance: that deer was... the opposite of livid anger.



My destination in life is not wealth, control, fulfilling ambition, a perfect man, a yacht, the perfect tan, pure skin, a bangin' body, being royal (I could go on, this is fun). No, these things would be amazingly nice, but thoroughly empty. I want, what I really want, is to be guilty-conscience free. To successfully delineate right from wrong, and to confidently be myself. And then, to surround myself with others that share the same conviction.