I'm too lathargic to be angry. whatever.

At that point, I knew I'd turn out ok.

What could I do? If paying tuition comes down as a responsibility on my own back, then so be it. Didn't really matter that I thought he'd spread himself too thin, and can't follow through on all his promises. Oh well. Moving on.

Prioritize. Consolidate. Breathe. Despite not being thrust ahead by provisions that I thought should've been made, I'll get by. Why do other students seem to have it so easy? They can slide on through with no financial worries. But in the end, as long as it gets paid then I'm satisfied. I'll shrug it off only to realize this is an opportunity to demand my own respect.

One of the most admirable characteristics someone could have, in my eyes, is simply to have their shit TOGETHER. Here's my chance.

You know? I'm glad. I'm glad I don't happen to be a spoiled little brat, who refuses to move out and demands my parents to pay rent and drops out of school. If I have to forgo the money I've saved to combat becoming anything resembling that person, then GOOD. Not a problem.

Freshly woven web of footsteps

I sort of had a wonderful day today. It was nice, being in a good mood for no direct reason. Sure there were triggers, such as coincidentally seeing a friend at work, feeling more settled in the restaurant, NOT being on the "who's most likely to be fired when the new manager comes," list, being complimented by fellow servers on my attitude, and making good tips.

But really, I noticed I was happy when I had a song stuck in my head with no idea how it had gotten there. I hadn't heard it or thought about the lyrics in years, yet there it was, humming its way through my vocal chords beneath the white noise of the restaurant. It's a funny situation being a server. You are completely and irrefutably surrounded by people at all times. Loud, demanding, hungry, thirsty, very specific people. Yet and still, you can be completely alone in your thoughts. Despite the prevailing "teamwork policy," YOU are really the only person that knows everything that goes on with your tables. If you don't get the lemon slices, they (most likely) will not get gotten. I realize I like settling into this strange version of solitude. It forces you to depend on none other but yourself. Just like how in golf (so I hear {I am not responsible for any misuse of a simile involving sports, and should be given ample credit for even attempting to make one}), you have to keep track of your own amount of strokes or else your score will be fudged. Keeping track of the points in the game is up to YOU.

Anyhow, now I can't even remember which song it was. All I know is the theme made me smile. Not a 20% tip. Not a compliment. Not a full, quickly turning section. I was happy because here I was, alone in my own little track in the maze of the restaurant, smiling for an internal reason indescribable to anyone.

Oy vey

I fear that I'm a terrifically boring person.

When did mediocrity become acceptable?

Just because you laugh it off, or sulk, or retaliate, lackadaisicality isn't excused. I'm sick of it; in them, in me, in everyone.

I'm just ready to wear my heart on my sleeve. Even if I'm a fool for it. I ought to be an open book. My embarrassments aren't only for me to learn from. Sure, I'll be slightly red-faced while sharing, but I'll get over it. I'm just ready to relinquish the eternal task of keeping responsibility at bay, and distracting myself from its constant knocking. I want to be real- straight up with no ice and no chaser. A shot of honesty is what I, and everyone else, truly need.

Today, someone said I inspired them. Granted, it was my mom, but still... it meant a lot. Little does she know (I hope she does) she inspires me too. She recently moved out of a basement room into a small apartment. But the thing is she's so frugal with her money, so responsible with it, she deserves whatever purchase she makes. I can learn from that; I can learn from her.

If you see something, say something. Simple as that.