Caught the giggles

I'm a very happy girl right now.

Why can't school start sooner!!!

I have bubbles in my tummy.

ahhhhhhh.

Teehee. hehehe.

Favorites

I'm settling this once and for all. I never know what to say to these most common yet insignificant questions. I am now deciding.

Favorite movies:
1. Moulin Rouge
2. Chicago
3. Rent
4. Pirates of the Caribbean (first one)
5. Rocky Horror Picture Show
6. Mama Mia
7. Fifty First Dates
8. Public Enemy
9. Titanic
0. Pretty Woman

Favorite Musicians:
1. Gavin DeGraw
2. Sara Bareilles
3. Maroon 5
4. Jack Johnson
5. The Fray
6. The Beatles
7. Big Band/Louis Armstrong/Ella Fitzgerald/Frank Sinatra
8. John Mayer
9. Jon Mclaughlin
0. James Blunt


There.

GD + CP = <3

ok. I REALLY want to go see Gavin DeGraw on August 27th. Jess! If you read this before I call you, here's the possible plan:

Plan A

10:00 a.m. - (Could leave earlier) Drive from Staten Island, 4.5 hours to the NY State Fair in Syracuse.

3:00-7:30 p.m. - Hang out at the fair. ($40 for concert tickets. Day pass included.)

7:30 p.m. - See Gavin. Leave when he's done and forget Kelly Clarkson.

8:30 p.m. - Start heading back to Jess's.

1:00 a.m. - Get back to Staten Island!

Plan B

Same as A, except includes arrangements for when Gavin proposes to me at the afterparty. These details are still a little hazy, so I'll be following the "FBSYP" (Fly By the Seat of Your Pants) strategy.

***

Then the next day, August 28th, I move in to my dorm room at 6 p.m.- 2B1, Earle Hall. yaaaay!! Though I'll miss 315 and my roomie :...(

Destined to float away

Balloons are hollow.

Bright, shiny, bobbing

and filled with vapidness.

Destined to float away.



Balloons are shallow.

Leave children crying

and staring up at emptiness

while ruining their day.

I miss singing love songs

I never knew this tiny thing would bother me so much. ugh. aggravating. I hate being ignored. But I'm determined to brush it off. To continue to be myself. To lather up in oil, like a duck, and let the crud bead up and roll off. That should be a saying. "Oh go bead up and roll off, would ya?!" I'm totally going to make it happen.

***

I'm glad I have bad memories. They work as a wall by preventing the good memories from melting me again. Because I think otherwise, I easily could. It's like withdrawl from a drug addiction. The second round of shivers has set in. But the fight is worth it. I'm moving on.

Surge

Reasons why this is a kick ass day so far:

1. I just got free starbursts because the vending machines were in the middle of being restocked. The nice restocker man just handed them over to me.
2. I have absolutely nothing to do (as usual) at my internship, though I'm not nearly bored. I made a list of constructive things to do- such as figuring out my current financial aid predicament. And the list is slowly but surely shrinking.
3. I just got paid yesterday. Like, a LOT.
4. Should be getting an IPhone immanently. And get this! It's being paid for with a check from my newest employer.
5. I have a new employer! I'm now the "Teen Editor" of http://www.tellallgram.com/. This position just fell into my lap. My uncle/long time family friend is starting this new business that is kind of like sending anonymous e-cards. My job is to write up little letters that will be used as templates for customers who want to send tellallgrams to businesses, individuals, or whomever. This came right on time, because I was just realizing that I have NO idea what I want to do as a career but that I really do like to write. So now I have a useful outlet for my pent up urge to merge entertaining thoughts with words I like. Plus, I'll learn so much from being a part of a budding business, in terms of how to start my own one day. Best part? I'll be paid $12 an hour. Okay, not the lottery but a damn good amount for someone my age. Oh, and my other job responsibility? To update "Tellallgram Man's" facebook page, through use of my new IPhone. I died.
6. Finally decided that Gavin DeGraw is without a doubt, no questions asked, my favorite musician. I just discovered that he has two new CDs out, that I do not own yet. I know, I'm a sucky fan. But I vow to memorize every lyric, just as I did with his first CD.
7. I decided operation: "Stay Away" has officially commenced. Hell if this girl is emotionally dependant.
8. I (well not really) made an impact on someone this weekend without knowing or meaning to. Just by being myself and participating in conversation I enjoyed, I encouraged someone else. ha. cool.
9. Six text messages just arrived at once. A few of which are from excellent sources. As in, I'm very happy right now. Like, this is awesome.
10. I'm in love with a man who loves me better.

Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements?

I finally understand Adele's song. If I keep chasing pavements, I'll keep smacking my head on the cement. All that does is lead me nowhere, backwards even. So, should I give up? and fly around in circles as my head drops? Because perhaps that will lead me somewhere eventually, but "giving up" has such a negative connotation. We always want to hold on to every possible ounce of hope. But sometimes, that's just unwise. Giving up could mean showing admirable courage.

It's an endless, ruthless circle. I can't do this all over again. The EXACT same thing. I know myself. I can't keep attempting to bend the rules. I am just unable to do it. Though, sometimes I wish I could.

Released airway

Breath in.



Ever so often I come to an intersection. I hold my breath, introspectively observing my reaction. I'm looking from a bystander's position, wringing my fingers and only concerned with finding out what my uncontrollable, instinctive reaction will inevitably be. And even less often are the times when I'm able to breath out with giddy excitement. My reaction to this stimuli was impulsive detachment. I admitted to the existence of a previous connection, but candidly accepted its end. Which then brought on happiness and the deepest, most satisfying sigh I've had in a long time. See what happens when you follow your heart?



I did. I stayed in the struggle long enough to qualify the action as justified determination. But somewhere along the way, perserverance morphed into weakness, into a hopeless contraption that sandwiched me between hurt for myself and the hurt of another. Strength, I realized, could now only be demonstrated by a decision that broke both. Temporarily.



Until a wonderous exhale today exhumed my happiness. The beauty is that I don't regret anything. Contrarily, I am astoundingly thankful for every single experience we shared. Though an individual might not remain in my life for a lifetime, their impact effects me as does a pebble tossed in a pond, rippling an otherwise untextured surface.



Breath out.

Jarlsberg

polite "no thanks yous" serve no purpose here

Jarlsberg cheese only goes with green tea and white bread

moose shadows linger on the walls

as do selected photographs

unobstructed sun shines through skylights and sliding glass doors

rigidity is invisible

and present

dependenceisinescapable

though discouraged

everyone is so nice.

Internal dialogues

I swear, the internal dialogues that go on inside my head are freaking hysterical sometimes. They lead to these inexplicable little outbursts of giggling, that are sometimes mistaken as impolite expressions of ridicule towards the nearest person. Perhaps I should resist the temptation to sink into my own imaginary world, because my reactions are often misunderstood as offensive. "What are you laughing at?" is probably up there, on the list of most frequent questions posed to me. Not you. Trust me.

For example, on my way back from the bathroom in the Humphrey building of the Department of Health and Human services, I saw this janitor guy speeding along on a machine that functioned something like a scooter/mover of heavy items. Sort of like those scooters mall cops cruise around on. All of a sudden, I picture myself on this wonderful engine, posed in first arabesque, hair blowing in the wind, pointed feet in patent-leather heels, grinning as I swiftly speed by a doorway which leads to a dark sea of desks and computers. Stick it to "the man" I say.

Another example. Upon considering a way to simplify and expedite the dating process, I mused about disclosing all of my deal breakers in the first five minutes. "..." No wonder I'm disagreed with so often. I certainly find myself in a minority. Even though I'm white. Yet and still, I'm far from dismayed.

***

The smallest things to other people seem to unravel my nerves. Like, lack of a vocabulary. I'm not trying to seem pompous or above anyone, but I use a variety of words to talk. And when I spend time trying to think of exactly the right word to successfully describe what it is I'm trying to articulate, only to be misunderstood, it irks me. Spelling too. Can someone please learn the difference between "your" and "you're"?!

"genuwine." OMG. Really?

I suppose this just shows me what worth words actually carry. Especially the definition and use of them. They express colors, smells, sounds, ideas, emotions, experiences, memories, dreams, aspects. A good author takes time to handpick each word for a specific purpose. All of them enhance the book, and none of them are superfluous. Just like beans on bean night.

***

Medley of Memories

The disparity between

"He will do it," and

"He has done it,"

is time.

Time does not exist.

But action does.

You do not exist.

But he does.

Get out of the way.

And then,

"He has done it."

***

Medley of Memories

Beneath the silent, stellar stars

I gazed up from behind steel bars

Trapped in the cage that I created

Released by the key that you baited

My first kiss, your love was new

Before and since, you've been so true

My eyes have brimmed with blue-green tears

and your countenance erased those woeful years

I've clambered through thick, sticky vines

tangled my arms, cursed, and whined

You chuckled and tugged on just one thread

and the jungle fell beneath us, dead

I throw my arms around your shoulders

Forget all else and become much bolder

Solid trust provides me a song

and you love me back, which makes me strong

Gentle advice you whisper near

Proves you're wise and defeats all fear

My knees are weak, my forehead's sweaty

my stomach flutters, but my eyes are steady.

Bending over backwards

For some reason lately I've really wanted to learn how to do a back walkover. Looks fun and cleanly continuous. Almost like vertical rolling. and tremendously symbolic.

I would have ridiculously intricate inside jokes with... myself.

Enamored to know him

There is so much I don't know.

But I do know this: what family I belong to.

I'm enthralled. I'm enamored. There is no other love like him, there will never be. He is my everything. He comes first and last and is every minute detail in between. Love is considering another before taking care of yourself. Love is trust and trust means exterpating every itching voice of doubt and ridicule that squirms, unwelcomed, in your mind. Confidence is being "with faith," and faithfulness is also an inescapable chapter. I might die a virgin, but I've made love.

and I'm nothing.

Knowing this is abundantly worth knowing.

I must be stubborn enough to disagree with you. Yet mature enough to discover with you. Because after all, there is so much I still don't know.

Whaaaa?

While routinely surfing the web during my "busy" work day, I stumbled upon some rather entertaining personal ads, on craigslist. Some were honest, some were funny, and others were unimaginably out there to me. Who knew people could be so dissatisfied with themselves, their lives, and their committed partners? It continues to amaze me how that we, are the ones that truly cause the majority of our own problems. If it weren't for our own humanistic errors, we'd be much happier. So the perplexing irony is this: happiness can be attained if first denying oneself. But then, who's left to be happy? hahahaahaha.

"Hello, I'm hoping to find a woman who is also married (but can be single) who is looking for a little passion in their life. To be clear, I am not looking for a one night stand nor am I looking for a woman who sleeps around. Rather, I am trying to establish a relationship outside my marriage that makes me feel alive again. I'm 5'9" 185, athletic built and handsome. If you're interest then please email me so we can get to know each other. If things work out online then perhaps (if we are both ready) we can meet in person. I prefer an older woman (the older the better) but I would welcome younger if they were mature enough. Please write me if interested and let's just see where it goes. If things work out, I would hope to keep the affair ongoing and very discreet. "

wow. I can't believe the absolute bluntness and audacity. Yet, I can... since I salvage no hope for mankind.

Poparazzi

After hours of droning TV, I meander outside. My eyes settle on the rope which composes the hammock, suspended between wood posts. I climb in and am cocooned by the net, wondering how such thin thread could securely uphold my body. The strings; narrow but strong. Inhaling serviced my senses and calmed my aggravation. The cool, sweet air belonged to summer and I welcomed the parallel relationship. The fireflies were bright spots in the dense darkness, and they playfully vanquished the void with their illustrious ends. Floating, with looming, black trees as their background, their blinking resembled wildly enthusiastic photographers. Flashing from every angle and with endless repetition, they seemed to capture my moment of solitude. Except, it's not solitude anymore, not with them there. This must be how celebrities feel. Inundated with opinions and judgements on their every move.

***

I am trapped; I can't administer my ruthless thoughts to another, when I should administer them first, to myself.

So. To both audiences:
Stop venting. Shut up. It's the same as complaining. Quit bitching. Because most likely, there's someone out there who deserves to say the same or worse about you. And they have. Where does that leave you? In the same position you put those in, who you are now talking about. Be the anti-catalyst!! Break the cycle.

The buck stops here.

***

It's 11:00. I don't care. I'm eating lunch.

Floating

I do not find it necessary to get black out drunk.

I'm a tad bit worried.

I hate tongue rings.

I don't know how to handle family.

Why is the other set of human beings, so complicated?

Got my first check from work. eh.

Someone might go to a place I never thought possible.

New understanding of the word, "disliked."

Balancing this act.

The trouble rumors cause, even when there aren't any.

New York City.

Iphone= want.

Nervousness. I don't want to break another one.

Dismissing it ALL.

the Word

Forget the cluttered, structured phrase that clouded up and spread the haze of

anger in your mind.

Reject the tearful, worried, woe; the stagnant stream that slowly flows and

drowns you in your mind.

Recall the recent victory. It was, and is, and is to be the only peaceful word you hear

(I've heard) in times of war

The war? It thrives. On bones. On hides. Its whirling hate surrounds the gate

delineating joy

The word? It thrives. Is calm. Is wise. Within no snags arise. And knows itself,

is victory.

Hey girls...

This is Bradley Cooper from "The Hangover."

:)

that's all.

I need a hobby.